My first blog post in quite a while. It feels kind of strange starting again, but I think it'll be worth it. Big things have happened, and are still happening and I've been asked to start writing it down as well as post. So here goes...
A recent journal entry of mine:
12 July 2013
My first journal entry. I'm not really sure how to do this, so I guess the best way to learn is to just start. We've been asked to start journaling as missionaries. That whole idea still kind of freaks me out. Being a missionary is never something I ever thought about. All the missionaries I know are outgoing people with just a great knowledge of God as well as unmatched faith. None of that describes me. I enjoy being around, and at time, even in front of people, but constantly being around a large group of people for extended periods of time is exhausting. After being around a bunch of people, I often need to just slow things down and be with two or three close friends, or even just by myself. That being said, I never thought I would be in a position requiring me to not only invite people into my home, but to talk and hold conversations with strangers. I'm not good at small talk. I think this is seen perfectly at church, of all places, during fellowship time. In the brief moment when we're to walk around and talk to others, I stand in my spot, shaking hands with those around me who either share my thoughts on the subject or with those who thrive in this time, as if it's a game to see who can shake hands and love on the most people. Don't take me the wrong way, I love talking to people, but I can't do it in five minutes. This has made getting to know my new church family extremely difficult. I did this even at my old church. It doesn't matter where I am, I will stand there awkwardly until it's time to sing. I really do like people, it's just that I'm intimidated by them. I can't really explain it at all.
However, my astonishment with becoming a missionary goes beyond how bad I am with people and into a deeper place. Like I said earlier, I always thought missionaries were people with great faith and an amazing knowledge of God. I frequently feel like that isn't anything that would describe me. I may say a smart, biblical thing on occasion, but if I don't leave the conversation feeling pretentious, I leave feeling like a pseudo intellectual. My knowledge and understanding of God hardly goes beyond what someone could learn in a basic sunday school class. I love learning as much as I can, but I always feel strange telling people things that I've learned, especially if I can't cite where I heard it. But beyond all that, I have a serious struggle with real, adequate faith. I do believe in God, and I do believe that I'm "saved", whatever that even means. But my struggle is giving up. I have the hardest time letting things go and trusting that "God will provide" or that "God is in control." I really do believe that, but it's mostly when it's not my situation and when I'm talking to someone else. However, if you ask me to step away from anything, hand over control to God and just watch, I have a slight panic attack and start worrying. How can I NOT worry when there's nothing I can do. I need to help fix. I have a serious lack of faith when it comes to relying on God, and I now that it's wrong. Through countless church and bible study attendances I've heard the amazing stories of people whose lives were changed simply because of their faith. Their belief that Jesus is who he says he is and does what he promises. The lepers who were healed, the families of sick children who recovered. All these people throughout the bible had radical experience through simple faith in Jesus. As I write this, i can't help but think about the man in Mark 9. His son had a spirit that caused him to not only be mute, but caused seizures as well. This man runs to Jesus and asks for help, to which Jesus replies "All things are possible for one who believes." The man immediately yells, "I believe; help my unbelief!"
I constantly have that thought in the back of my mind. "I believe! Help my unbelief!" My prayer is that. I know that I believe in God, I know that through grace I am saved, but even more, I know that there is plenty of room for me to believe more. So, if it means anything, I'm now a missionary. Me. Caleb Setzer, the small, scared, unathletic nobody from Huntsville. I'm still not sure what all this journey entails, but I am excited and quite scared. But, I now that if God can orchestrate things in such a way as to call me to reach out to the lost in this city, God can use anyone. With the little faith I have, I have been so graciously blessed with the honor of serving Him.
So my prayer is this: "Lord, I do believe, but in the moments where my faith is gone, help my unbelief."
Hypocrite, liar, failure. Saved by grace.
-Caleb
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