Proverbs 18:24

A recent journal entry...

22 July 2013

It's 8:43 at night as I sit down and write this. I wasn't planning on writing tonight but it just kind of hit me. It's the night before I move. It's the closing of one incredible chapter of my life and tomorrow starts a new one. I've spent the last two days packing. It's hard to see the entirety of my first year on my own packed away into roughly twenty boxes. This whole process is kind of scary. Just under a year ago I moved out of my family's home in Huntsville and came to school here in Tuscaloosa. Around this time last year I still didn't have a place to live and I was frantically searching Tuscaloosa for a place to say that I could afford. There was even talk of me moving under the stairs at my friend's house. How Harry Potter is that? That would have been an adventure for sure! Luckily, though, I stumbled across a small efficiency apartment with a bathroom, thankfully, but without a kitchen. I signed my lease and started making plans to move. My entire apartment is roughly the size of my bedroom back home. It's not much but it has been home for the past year. I was so excited to get down here, but when it actually happened I didn't know what to do next. The day I moved, my family and I went to dinner at Jimmy Johns. After that they were gone and I was unsure of what to do next, so I just laid on my bed and stared at my ceiling. That's when I got a call from one of my best friends to come hang out. It was trivia night at Wilhagan's. I needed something fun to take my mind off of the overwhelming day that had just occurred, so this was perfect. He didn't know what he was doing when he invited me to hang out, but that was one of the best nights I've had.

Over the next few months I slowly became acclimated to life on my own, and life in general at the University. I have made some of the greatest friends in just the past year. I have seen so much growth in these people over this year. It amazes me and makes me proud to call them all my friends. Also, if I can brag on myself for a moment, I think I've become a slightly more outgoing person, but it's not what I've done. These people have challenged me, and I'm so thankful for them. There have been hard times, late nights studying, and a few mistakes and hurtful words said. But, without mistakes, we don't grow. I'm so thankful for my friends, new and old.

This year also found me in the middle of such a strong core group of believers. It was hard for me to find a church to call home this year. I'm so used to the family I have back in Huntsville that I felt I was betraying them by moving. It wasn't without much guiding and mentoring that I finally was able to plant myself permanently in one place, and what a blessing that has been. The friends and family I have gained has made such an impact on my life. I'm incredibly thankful that God has put such a place in my path.

However, this year was not without it's struggles. It was extremely difficult for me to be by myself this year, both financially and emotionally. Praise God I was able to find jobs to support myself with. And with such amazing friends, I was able to get through this year. So it was very difficult for me when so many of them left. Some, for just the summer to go back home, and some, gone for good, finding jobs and moving away. Saying goodbye has never been easy for me, not that it's easy for anyone. but I know that my friends are doing fine. It's so great to see and hear them doing great things.

So, in the last night I'll be spending in this apartment, a few topics have come to mind, along with a few passages that relate:

One of the struggles of this year was finding housing for next year. Housing that I could afford with friends that I need. That was a struggle that set me on edge for quite a while. Every option I had that seemed to be perfect kept closing and nothing seemed to be working. But then, as always, God showed me that his plan was better and he was providing. I was asked to serve on the Apartment Ministry Team as a missionary. Bam! My housing was decided. I was then paired up with a great friend of mine. Boom! Another need met. I worried so much, and for nothing! God had it figured out the whole time. So with that, Matthew 6:25-34 was constantly playing in my head. Don't be anxious. God will proved what you need. He allowed me this year on my own to grow me, yet he gave me everything I needed. Let me emphasize that: NEEDED. Believe me, there was plenty that I wanted to do, and some of it I did, but all that I needed was provided. God has been amazingly faithful with what he was provided to me.

Beyond providing me with living, God placed amazing support in my life this year. Excellent quality time spent overlooking neighborhoods atop balconies, enjoying the weather, time away camping, or even stargazing on burial mounds. There was plenty of time spent worshiping through the word and song. God had provided love and friendship in times that I thought I didn't need anyone. 1 John 4:19 says, "We love because he first loved us." and in John 13:35, Jesus says, "By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." These have stuck out to me all year, but beyond those, there is one that has deeply resonated this year. Proverbs 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." I have been so blessed to grow in brotherhood with those that I've met.

So as I sit here among my boxes, I pray that I take to heart what I've learned this year. I pray that I trust God in all things, and I thank God for the friends and family I've been given. I know that they will support me, and guide me with His love and I pray that I use it to spread His name through my apartment and through my campus. I am beyond blessed. I'm not sure I would end this chapter in any other way. Bless God!

Hypocrite, liar, failure. Saved by grace.

-Caleb

I Believe; Help my unbelief!

A New Beginning

My first blog post in quite a while. It feels kind of strange starting again, but I think it'll be worth it. Big things have happened, and are still happening and I've been asked to start writing it down as well as post. So here goes...

A recent journal entry of mine:

12 July 2013

My first journal entry. I'm not really sure how to do this, so I guess the best way to learn is to just start. We've been asked to start journaling as missionaries. That whole idea still kind of freaks me out. Being a missionary is never something I ever thought about. All the missionaries I know are outgoing people with just a great knowledge of God as well as unmatched faith. None of that describes me. I enjoy being around, and at time, even in front of people, but constantly being around a large group of people for extended periods of time is exhausting. After being around a bunch of people, I often need to just slow things down and be with two or three close friends, or even just by myself. That being said, I never thought I would be in a position requiring me to not only invite people into my home, but to talk and hold conversations with strangers. I'm not good at small talk. I think this is seen perfectly at church, of all places, during fellowship time. In the brief moment when we're to walk around and talk to others, I stand in my spot, shaking hands with those around me who either share my thoughts on the subject or with those who thrive in this time, as if it's a game to see who can shake hands and love on the most people. Don't take me the wrong way, I love talking to people, but I can't do it in five minutes. This has made getting to know my new church family extremely difficult. I did this even at my old church. It doesn't matter where I am, I will stand there awkwardly until it's time to sing. I really do like people, it's just that I'm intimidated by them. I can't really explain it at all. 

However, my astonishment with becoming a missionary goes beyond how bad I am with people and into a deeper place. Like I said earlier, I always thought missionaries were people with great faith and an amazing knowledge of God. I frequently feel like that isn't anything that would describe me. I may say a smart, biblical thing on occasion, but if I don't leave the conversation feeling pretentious, I leave feeling like a pseudo intellectual. My knowledge and understanding of God hardly goes beyond what someone could learn in a basic sunday school class. I love learning as much as I can, but I always feel strange telling people things that I've learned, especially if I can't cite where I heard it. But beyond all that, I have a serious struggle with real, adequate faith. I do believe in God, and I do believe that I'm "saved", whatever that even means. But my struggle is giving up. I have the hardest time letting things go and trusting that "God will provide" or that "God is in control." I really do believe that, but it's mostly when it's not my situation and when I'm talking to someone else. However, if you ask me to step away from anything, hand over control to God and just watch, I have a slight panic attack and start worrying. How can I NOT worry when there's nothing I can do. I need to help fix. I have a serious lack of faith when it comes to relying on God, and I now that it's wrong. Through countless church and bible study attendances I've heard the amazing stories of people whose lives were changed simply because of their faith. Their belief that Jesus is who he says he is and does what he promises. The lepers who were healed, the families of sick children who recovered. All these people throughout the bible had radical experience through simple faith in Jesus. As I write this, i can't help but think about the man in Mark 9. His son had a spirit that caused him to not only be mute, but caused seizures as well. This man runs to Jesus and asks for help, to which Jesus replies "All things are possible for one who believes." The man immediately yells, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

 I constantly have that thought in the back of my mind. "I believe! Help my unbelief!" My prayer is that. I know that I believe in God, I know that through grace I am saved, but even more, I know that there is plenty of room for me to believe more. So, if it means anything, I'm now a missionary. Me. Caleb Setzer, the small, scared, unathletic nobody from Huntsville. I'm still not sure what all this journey entails, but I am excited and quite scared. But, I now that if God can orchestrate things in such a way as to call me to reach out to the lost in this city, God can use anyone. With the little faith I have, I have been so graciously blessed with the honor of serving Him.

So my prayer is this: "Lord, I do believe, but in the moments where my faith is gone, help my unbelief."

Hypocrite, liar, failure. Saved by grace.

-Caleb

LUV2BUY

This was the license plate I saw while I was driving to church this evening. At first I got really upset and thought to myself "Geez. I hate people who are so caught up in material possessions. And to top it off this person obviously has no problem letting others know how selfish and materialistic she is."

This was until I realized I was listening to a $250 iPod in my $3,000 Mustang and would later be checking my Facebook and Twitter on a $1,000 Macbook while listening to all the hundreds of dollars worth of music I've bought on my iTunes, sitting in my finely furnished bedroom in my J. Crew outfit that costs way more than it should have.

This lady that I was driving behind was no different than me except she let everyone know that she liked to shop, while I on the other hand act like I'm better than most people because "material possessions mean nothing to me." Yeah, right.

And this is what's wrong this the World.

This is what's wrong with the Church.

This is what's wrong with Us.

Hypocrite.

Liar.

Thief.

I act no different than the people I feel are in so much trouble.

I'm not saying having nice things are bad. Buying stuff isn't bad, either. It's how we do it. So often I've actually let money control me. "I really want the new iPod Touch." or "I really need a new pair of khaki pants before I buy that shirt."

My college class at church has been going through an awesome book about the Love that God has for us and how intense His feelings are for us and yet how much we've ignored him and merely given Him our leftovers.

"Here, God. I've got a few dollars left after I bought that new system for my car. I guess you can have it. But I would really like a new jacket next week, soooooo.... yeah. I'll let you do what you do."

This is crap. The author of the book writes that it's not bad to have stuff, but stuff is just silly and unnecessary. Last week's and this week's chapters have really been about giving up everything we have. Not in a "Look how much I DON'T have and feel sorry for me" kind of way, but it's about us giving everything we have to each other.

"Hey. If you ever need a ride, give me a call."

or

"Hey. I heard you're running a bit behind on your rent. Let me help you out a bit."

This is what it's about. Let's not let our social status get in the way of giving. We've been given what we have to share. It's not like we'll be around to use it later.

So if you're reading this blog, LUV2BUY, I'm sorry that I judged you. I really am.

A little bit of the underground...

Lately I've been a bit bored with everything. Especially this week. After having my wisdom teeth removed I've come to appreciate the crunchy foods that I've always neglected and also come to detest milkshakes, jello, and yogurt. I miss eating cereal and drinking soda through a straw. I just hope that all will be back to normal soon. But this week I've decided that there are a few things that I really want to try to do eventually. Here are just a couple that I decided on today.

1) While watching an Saturday Night Live marathon on VH1, I noticed that many of the actors were also writers and this got me thinking that it would be really cool to work for SNL. I've recently started to idolize Tina Fey, but not in a creepy stalkerish kind of way. Just that she's hilarious and an amazing writer seeing as she not only wrote for SNL for a while but also because she writes for 30 Rock along with acting in it. Unfortunately I googled the SNL application process and found out that you don't apply for Saturday Night Live. They have to choose you.

So... a possible goal is to work for NBC, but I have to figure out a way to get noticed. *mental note*

2) I want to discover new things. I want to see things that most people don't see; either because we choose not to or because we are negligent of our surroundings. I want to go places people don't. This idea was spawned by the Infiltration: Zine. I found this while stumbling, which is a website I recommend for the bored. Stumble Upon, that is. But Infiltration is something that's sparked an interest. We'll see where it takes me.

So all in all, while avoiding two major papers that are due within the next few weeks, I have in turn made a few decisions. So. Wish me luck and we'll see where I go.

I found this today on the Post Secret blog. It's not my post card but it sums up where I am right now.

Welcome Back

An Inner Dialogue

Good Evening, Fellow Travelers. Welcome to These Wondering Thoughts. Thank you for joining us. Tonight we have, Caleb.

Oh. Hi, There. It's been a while since our last meeting, hasn't it?

Yes, it has been, Caleb. How have you been.

Oh. I've been doing well. Just staying busy with work and school. You know? Those papers aren't going to write themselves. And someone needs to keep track of those planets. Did you know they got rid of Pluto? What a shame.

You know, that happened quite a while ago. And they didn't get rid of pluto. They merely demoted it to "Dwarf Planet" status.

Either way. How would you feel if you were demoted from "Voice" status to just "That-noise-I-hear-when-I-don't-clean-my-ears-out-all-the-way" status? You wouldn't like that very much, now would you?

I've always liked Pluto. I also like the blue M&M's more than any other color.

What? They taste the same.

"If you close your eyes!" (RENT reference, sorry.) Yes. I know. I guess it's just more fun to eat the blue ones, though.

How's that?

I don't know. They Just are...

Hmm... Ok. Well, Let's get back on topic.

Excellent Decision.

So what all has been going on with you. You said you've been working and going to school. What else?

Well... Not much really. Between my last update and now I got a Twitter, but I don't do much with it. Mostly I just read people's thoughts. I'm pretty boring which makes me wonder why I even have this blog in the first place, but that's a different story. Let's see... New stuff. Well. I bought a car in May. A White 1996 Mustang. It's nice. Needs some repairs, but I like it. It feels good to have a car, especially one that I've purchased on my own. I've made friends, I've lost friends. I found some friends that I thought had gone away and I'm holding on to some friendships that I secretly fear will dissolve soon. And I have glasses. But not the cool kind that I have to wear all the time. Nope. My glasses are specifically for reading. Like an old person's, which makes simple tasks difficult.

Difficult? I thought glasses were supposed to help. Care to elaborate?

Well.. Not really "difficult". But when I'm writing or reading I'm supposed to have them on. So When I'm sitting there doing whatever and someone decides to talk to me I have to either remove my glasses (Which gets annoying after a while. Taking them off. Putting them back on. On. Off. On. Off) or I can look over the edge of my glasses like I've seen countless elders doing. I'm not to fond of either choice. Also, I'm vain.

Yes. You are, but we won't get into that. You said You wonder why you even have this blog. Why is that?

I guess I started this blog originally because I'm a horrible trend follower. I hardly can think on my own. But I also started this blog in hopes that I would write more. As you can see it never caught on with me. But I'm hoping to start updating more often.

And why exactly is that?

Honestly, I decided to start this thing again because of a phone call a few weeks ago. I had just gotten out of class and I wanted to go out to lunch but I didn't feel like eating alone so I called a good friend of mine who, as it turned out, was unable to meet up that afternoon but still decided to hold a conversation with me. Now, I HATE talking on the phone. Probably one of my least favorite forms of communication mainly because there are no visual cues as to when the conversational partner is about to speak next, so I often accidentally interrupt or seem to rush him or her off the phone. But as it was, he and I continued to talk for about 15 or 20 minutes about a lot. Basically catching up because we hadn't seen each other in a few months. (I tend to cut myself out of groups if I feel uncomfortable. I don't see a reason for me being there, so I leave). He and I talked for about him being a college graduate and my goal of graduating eventually. I thought it was neat that he remembered that I was an English major and he congratulated me on decided to pair it with a second major and a possible minor to make myself more marketable. As we went on he challenged me to start writing again. Stories. Poems. Anything. So I guess I listened to him. He's always been a mentor for me. Luckily he's never steered me wrong. So I guess that's where I am.

And you would say your hope is...?

My hope is that I continue this blog and keep it up regularly. Not that I'm interesting or have anything exciting to say, but more so as an outlet. Maybe this'll turn out good. I hope so. As I sit here I can think of about 4 other things I SHOULD be doing but choose not to. Procrastination is my disease and I hope maturity is the cure. God, please let that cure come soon.

I sure hope so. It's been a pleasure, Caleb.

Thanks. Yes, it has.

Good evening. And many thanks to all of you who finished this.

Evening thoughts with no direction...

In 18 years of living, I have yet to find a person who likes Mondays, but I honestly don't understand where this dislike of Mondays comes from. I personally dislike most any day in which I have to wake up at a predetermined time for some activity in which I do not want to participate in. Yes, I know I have committed myself to the responsibilities of work and school, but I'm not going to say that I enjoy either one. I merely attend these two institutions because I must. I work for money. I am not financially stable, so I have chosen to work and buy things instead of not working and not being able to buy things. It's a simple process that requires minimal thought: Step 1) Work; Step 2) Buy things; Repeat. It is a shampoo simple process. You repeat as many times as needed. Sadly, it's an endless cycle. I need money, so I need a job.
Now on to school. Do I enjoy waking up at 6:30 a.m. again just to be assigned work that I do not want to do? Simple answer: No. As a High School graduate, I am able to sit and bum around and not learn anything. I finished the 12 to 13 years required by law. So why did I choose to keep going? To be completely honest, I don't know. I have chosen another 4 to 6 years of school in order to acquire a slip of paper that, layman's terms, says "Hey. You are good at English." But I did. I now wake up at 6:30 to fight over a bathroom so that I can be somewhat presentable for the upcoming day of school. Monday through Thursday, I attend Calhoun Community College from 8:00 a.m. to 10:45 am and from there, I trek to Off Campus College Bookstore (hereon referred to as The O.C.) and earn an income that is unsuitable for anyone to fully live off. Needless to say, I'm still at home.
All this said, I'm actually quite happy with my situation. Yes, I do put up with annoying and sometimes seemingly stupid people almost everyday, but it is a job. A good job. And I am on my way to an English Major. Don't ask me what I plan on doing after college, but right now, this is what I want. We will see where this goes... Kudos if you got through this whole thing.
-Caleb